I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You ate ashes out of my bong
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
