He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
