My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
