the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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