At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
