I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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