I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
