I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
