Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
