No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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