i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Oh god it's open bar.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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