Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
