You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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