so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
