If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
