proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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