I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
