You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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