so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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