I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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