I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This baby is an asshole
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
