I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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