Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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