She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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