If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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