I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize