i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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