I wish I could punch you in the face.
i think my mom watched the whole time
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
