She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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