You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
