susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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