Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
