my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
