I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
