i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
