put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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