I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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