I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
