i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize