Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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