does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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