Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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