I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
