hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
