You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Randomize
