your parents love me but you hate me
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
