Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Let's get the cat blown out
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
