Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
