fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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