I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
