Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
