She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
