Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
