Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
