turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
