Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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