My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
