no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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